This is Me 

“It isn’t a matter of if, it is a matter of when”. Growing up my parents abused this phrase in an attempt to teach me that everything in life is obtainable if I work hard. This “can do” attitude isn’t something I was born with, but at the same time it isn’t something that I was taught. My “can do” attitude is a feeling that stemmed from self motivation, values, adversity, maturity, and the desire to succeed. For me, I never paid much attention to this phrase until I was presented with a challenge that I feel put the finishing touches on the person I am today, and continues to push me to grow in all my endeavors. Regardless of where I am in life both physically and mentally, I try to be the best me I can be and strive to better myself each day. I can be honest and say that growth and experience played a key role in sculpting who I am, but the origins of who I’ve become, comes from values instilled in me long before I understood their importance. 

I grew up in predominantly black Catholic schools with two loving parents, the over protective big brother, the grandparents that adored me, the dogs, the cats, the everything that comes with a child who never had to want for anything. I was surrounded by people who looked like me and acted like me, and I felt that I belonged where I was. I learned a very traditional catholic education, I attended church on Sundays, I didn’t swear, and I didn’t play with my food at the dinner table. My parents taught me and showed me unconditional love both in how they raised my brother and I, and I also how they love each other in their relationship. I observed, I cared, but the most important thing, I was just very unaware. My sheltered upbringing allowed for me to have that childhood that I feel like every kid deserves. One submerged in love and learning, hidden from the judgements and cruelty of human nature. In growing up and leaving the bubble my family created for me, I’m able to see and understand what matters to me and what is actually important. 

I left my bubble and travelled only about an hour away from the Bronx where I live, and I learned of an entirely different place with people who have different experiences. I could’ve never imagined the way different places create different people. These differences amongst people are mental factors that change the way their world is perceived. My world saw no judgement and criticism, there was no hate. In maturing and being exposed to these people with different perceptions, I’ve learned how colorful yet black and white the world is. When I left my bubble which encompassed my comfortability, I stepped into a different bubble where I was entirely out of place, an outsider. I was one of few African American students in a predominantly white school, trying to find my way and learn my identity. I had left an environment where it was easy to swim in the crowd, because to some degree we all understood each other on some of the deepest levels. When I attended school, I just didn’t understand them and I never thought I would. 

I struggled to make friends and I didn’t communicate with teachers because I just felt like there was no way they could help me. I was a black kid from the Bronx suddenly travelling upstate everyday and pretending to be something I wasn’t to appeal to the better interest of those who I assumed to be better than me. I assumed because of socioeconomic standings and social hierarchies that have been built in our society and cultures tracing back to the start of history. There were faculty and students that treated me like I was nothing because of where I’m from. They never gave me the chance to show them who I am or who I thought I was. 

One day a teacher who was an aid to other students with disabilities came up to me and started speaking with me. She asked me if I was new to the school and if so where was I from. I told her I’m new and I’m from the Bronx. She responded by saying “Oh, I’ve heard about you, but I didn’t see you on my list”. I asked her what she meant, and she responded “other teachers have told me that you’re one of the students that needs a little extra help if you know what I mean”. I respond “I don’t”. She then states “it’s ok sweetie, I know some things are challenging for you to understand”. I looked at her in disbelief, and when the class was over I left, ran to the bathroom, and cried. How could they say these things about me? Students? Adults?  Why did I feel so crushed and belittled? I created a whole presentation as to why I should transfer schools, and I told my parents how much I couldn’t do it staying there and being in this unwelcoming bubble. My father responded with his signature phrase, “It isn’t a matter of if, it is a matter of when”. He and my mother made it a point to tell me how racially biased people are, and that challenges like this are bound to happen in everything I want to do in my life. They told me that they knew I could rise above everything I felt was weighing me down, and come out stronger because of it. 

That night I laid awake just convincing myself I could do it. Nobody is better than anyone else, and my skin color didn’t dictate my capability to succeed. I wanted to be stronger not for my parents or to prove a point to my teachers, but to make myself proud. I took what I learned from this experience throughout the rest of my high school career, and motivated myself to work hard. Nowadays I look at the growth I have in the way I think and my ability to understand people and situations. I think deeper and more thoughtfully. I appreciate the little things and don’t overreact to what doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I know myself and who I want to become. It’s not a matter of if I’ll work hard or be successful in life, it’s a matter of understanding that effort, motivation, and self-worth will guide me everywhere I need to go in life.